So I went to SIGGRAPH last week, andlet me tell you, what a geek fest. Some great geeks, though -don't get me wrong.

LA, on the other hand... ugh. And those trafficand parking cops, I mean really. My friend got a $250 ticketfor waiting out in front of the convention center to pick meup. Puleeez. Like the city needs to piss off more tourists orkeep corporate expense account credit-card holders from having fun.

Anyhow, if you were there, you saw our fab lounge with its even more fab leather and velvetsofas. Perhaps you were the one who took the two-hour nap on ourpurple couch? Maybe you were the guy who hogged our machine for threehours to check your email? Or just by chance, you were one of the fewto steal a HotWired mouse pad?

In any case, it seemed a fantastic and tiring time was had by allvisitors and partiers. Oh, the parties, now that's a story foranother day.

Dear Allison,
Hello, I am 17 years old anddon't have a girlfriend right now. Will you go out with me?
Signed, Adam E. Cox

Dear Adam,
You're so sweet, really, but 17? Come on ... I may look young, butI'm not that young, and I'm certainly not going to risk jailjust because you don't have a girlfriend. I'm sure you'veheard this before, but if you want to get a girlfriend, here's whatyou do: be yourself, go do fun things, meet other people doing thesame fun things, and if any one of those people is a girl close toyour age, ask for her number, take her out for a soda- stop staring at your computer and go!

Dear Allison,
How can you be so clever and so blonde?
Signed, Bob Dubery

Dear Bob,
Seems odd doesn't it? But I'll let you in on a little secret (shhhh):not all blondes are idiots. In fact, recent studies show that the haircolor of a person has little, if anything, to do with her or his levelof intelligence. Gofigure.

Dear Allison,
While your tone of voice makes you seem like a cheap cyberslut,looking for love in your online den of iniquity, I must say I feelcompelled to speak to you, and, well, strangely attracted to you. Isthat picture at the top of the page really you? When is the best timeto buy a lottery ticket, and is it worth the cost of gas to drive 60miles to the border to get one?
Signed, Andy in Durham, NC

Dear Andy,
Ooooh, I've never been called a cyberslut before(and, of course, that's me in the picture). As for the lottery, I'd sayit's worth a stamp, though notthe gas. Send some money to a friend and have him or her get thetickets and mail them to you.

Dear Allison,
How can you be punk when your mom tells you no?
P.S. Are you the Allison from Melrose?
Signed, Poopiepants

Dear, uh, Poopiepants,
Although I am deeply offended that you'd think I am any relation tothat whiney bitch on MelrosePlace, I couldn't resist the name Poopiepants. How, ifyou are punk, can younot be punk? It's an attitude, it's who you are, and there'sreally no way to say no to that is there? So you can't get a 2-footgreen mohawk till you move out, so what? You want to be punk, not looklike an idiot.
P.S. If you're really intent on this punk thing,I'd suggest changing your name to Shittyshorts orsomething. Poopiepants is rather soft, don't you think?

Dear Allison,
Hi! I'm new and a little bit scared. I don't want to be shot down myfirst trip out of the hangar. But here goes nothing, as they say. Whydo I need telnet access to use Club Wired? Now that I finally gotregistered (after three tries), I don't seem to have the software toactually visit Club Wired!
Signed, Wild Wilda

Dear Wilda,
When you access a Web page, like this one, what you're doing isrequesting information from the server. You get it, it shows up onyour screen, and the connection closes. When accessing something likeClub Wired, a live chatspace, you're opening up a two-way connection with the server thatstays open, providing a constant flow of information. It's adifferent process, and you need different tools. It is, of course,incredibly simple to get yourself a telnet applicationand use the chat site. Try reading the instructions.

Signed:
Go answer the questions Allison didn't.