So listen to this: I was in Club Wired the otherday, and I got attacked by people who were under theimpression that I am a transvestite.I said, I am a woman, and I mean it. Female 100 percent. Nodoubt about it.

But those "people" inClub Wired. Talk about harassment.

And speaking of chat, what's with those people (you knowthe ones) who insist on using their current significant other'sname as their handle? I mean why not just type in ALL CAPSand make those damn smileysall over the place. Why not make a little Internet familyof Mom, Dad, and the kids, chock full o' people you've neverseen before. Then say "Hi Mom!" when they log on.

Please, though I love you Club Wired kids, spare me.

Dear Allison,
I'm obsessed! All I can do is sit here and ask you questions. Tell me, what is wrong with me?
Flying Fingers

Dear Flying Fingers,
What do you mean, what's wrong with you? While obsessionscan be tedious, I don't see any problem here. You'reperfectly fine! You can ask me questions all day,and you shall reap benefits beyond your wildest dreams.

Dear Allison,
So what's with the zany VIP stuff? Is it supposed to make mefeel special that I can type cypherpunk twice in a rowwithout making any spelling mistakes? (Makes me wonder aboutthe riff.raff.)
Cypherpunk

What? You don't feel special?
Well, I guess all I have to say is, if you wanted to feel "special,"you'd chooseyour own member name and password, and not use the oh-so-tiredlogin of cypherpunk.
Yes, you should feel special,HotWired thinks of more things to offer members every day. Youknow, you can't even ask me a question if youaren't a member. And that's more than special; it's downright superior.

Dear Allison,
What's with the background on your page? Every time I see it, I thinkof elderly women's underwear. Then there's all of this love and sextalk, and although I expect this to change with time, I'm notcurrently very attracted to women over the age of 60. The whole thingstrikes a note of discord in my already confused loins. Tell me, isthere any chance of changing the background to something else? Maybetiger stripes, or leopard spots, or maybe something lacey?
Silk

Dear Silky,
While I hate to think of causing a disturbance in youralready "confused loins," it doesn't much look like old ladyundies to me. Perhaps this is a personal problem. Tome the pattern suggests a delicate flowerin spring, but old ladies' butts I do not see. Thenagain, I'm not attracted to women over 60 either. You want a racy animalmotif? Then ask nicely, and maybe, just maybe, you'll getresults. But more likely, I'll just change it whenever Ifeel like it.

Dear Allison,
If you do indeed know all, then where did I leave my keys? And, moreimportant, do you cross-reference your answers with just any old HTMLlinks or do you really try to link the meaningful ones? Do you have agrand and glorious index of all interesting sites (just for thispurpose) or are you just well-connected?
Head peon

Dear Peon,
I would never use just anyold link. How insulting. My links are full of important andrelevantinformation and should be regarded as sacred.
Your keys? Look, as I've saidbefore, pal, I'm not a psychic. How do I knowwhere you left your keys? And furthermore, why should I care? That'ssomething you should really be able to take care of for yourself atthis point, hon. How old are you, anyway?

Dear Allison,
Do you consider yourself a cheap rip-off of Ask Angie? Just curious....
Curious George

Oh George, please.
Have you seen that site? We're not even in the same league. Angie is apparently a"certified counselor" with a master's degree in psychology. She really wants to help you. I, on the other hand, with topdesignersand productionpersonnel at my side, am a certified smart ass, withplenty of opinions for all. Help you I might, but it'scertainly not something I lose sleep over. And, Georgedear, everyone knows, if you really want help, you've got tohelp yourself. So, there's your answer. I do not in anyway consider myself cheap.Rip-off, or otherwise. Hardly.

Signed:
Go answer the questions Allison didn't.