Week 37 of 1995

Hi Allison. You're cool. Can I be like you?
Signed, Allison Squared

I haven't answered this question, but you can.

Dear Allison,Will I ever know true happiness, and if not, should I sell out to the forces of capitalism immediatelyor hold out for a better offer?Yours in confusion of spirit,
Signed, Poor Little Rachel

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Allison,I'm moving to the PN(Pacific Northwest) in 2 months and Iwas wondering, why are there no .JOBS newsgroups from there. It is supposedly a hotbed of computing, so what's the deal.Real question - Where can I find a job there? I have gobsof Telecom/Network and PC experience.
Signed, Gobs of Experience...

BFD, pal, maybe somebody else cares.

Dear Allison,Since the tiny age of eight I've been bothered by a question:If, as the scientists say, the universe is expanding,and if the universe is, well, universal(that is, that's all there is)what is the universe expanding into?
Signed, Ancien

Well, I certainly don't care. Do you?

Allison:If the 7/11's are open 24hours a day, 7 days a weekfor the entire year, why do their doors have lockson them?
Signed, Tomatofish

Whatever, dude.

Have you ever visit bianca's Shack? Do you know if itis open or closed today?
Signed, Brandt

BFD, pal, maybe somebody else cares.

Hey Cyberslut,yep, that was a good beaver link in last week's column. Me and my macho male idiot six pack drinking buddies thank you. Anyway, I consider myself a pretty blue collar guy. If I had been born twenty years earlier on the east coast I would be digging coal for a living. But thanks to Billg (god!) I am a computer slave mining information for a faceless master. I am sure there are more of me than there are of the coal guys left. But somehow I feel less than Blue collar working in front of a screen. When is it going to become OKAY to be a wageslave computer geek???
Signed, Too cool for pool

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dear Allison;If God is all-powerful and all-benevolent, why did He create Senator Exon?
Signed, Cyber

Whatever, dude.

Dear Ali,When you're eatin' daisies, do eat the petals first or do you do like I do and eat them from the stem up?
Signed, Axlebloodsuckingfreakaslarve

I haven't answered this question, but you can.

Hi from Vegas;I have a 386/40 with 8 meg RAM and stacker 3.0 and I want to install WIN95.What can I expect from the experience and without spending more money, how can I make it painless.Thanks for any help you can give,
Signed, Ray

Well, I certainly don't care. Do you?

Dear Allision,What about a free vacation and french kisses?Jacques Chirac invites us all for an "active"vacation on Mururoa. Will you be there?
Signed, Holliday Greetings, Fred

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dear Alison:Do you think that Hobos should be allowed to accrue frequentflyer miles? Do you think this would be a good thing forNewt to add to the Contract With America?
Signed, Enaje

I haven't answered this question, but you can.

Hi! I just wanted to know, how does one do to get a job as cool as yours? By the way, don't you need an assistant to help you out? And also, if you don't mind my asking, how old are you? Is that picture up there recent?
Signed, Tomas

Whatever, dude.

Dear Allison,are you an unbelievably sophisticated supercomputer sitting somewhere in the dark basement of HotWiredand scheming to take over the world?
Signed, HAL 9000

Well, I certainly don't care. Do you?

What do you think are the best resources, both on and off line, for writing Web pages?
Signed, Tennyson

BFD, pal, maybe somebody else cares.

Dear Allison,This might not be the place to ask questions likethis but I will do it any way. I am looking for articles concerning marketing on the internet. Theyshould be handle the subject in a serious or academicmatter. If you don«t have any material or sources of that kind of information maybe you happen to knowsome persons or universities who are doing some academic research concerning marketing activitieson the net.I«ll be glad about any information.
Signed, Matthias Sann (Germany)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Allison-babe.(if you think thats sexist, assume its an acronymfor Blonde and brainy erudite-tress)Isn't it nice that the internet is growing up? I particulary like the way some geniuses have found away to make money by including an advertisement fora cheap american automobile.I guess I have to try harder before the advertizers get wise.Oh, but I've not asked a question. Hmm -- well, I'dstill like to know if thats your real hair.P.S. Oh, is it true that you paraphrase on occasion?Sign me...
Signed, an American Entepreneur

I haven't answered this question, but you can.

Hello, I'm 29 and everyone says I need to get I job,but I love spending all day playing computer gamesand surfing the net. I'm broke but I don't want toget a life, I like the one I have.
Signed, Never seen the Sun

Whatever, dude.

Dear Allison,We just received a lovely anniversary present from myparents: a set of teacups they say belongedto our great grandparents. Problem is, I actually bought and gave these to my parents as a gift many years ago. They were never pleased enough withthem to take them out of their boxes, and must haveforgotten where they came from. My question: how do we ask for the matching saucers that were a part of the original gift set?
Signed, Saucerless in San Bruno

BFD, pal, maybe somebody else cares.

Dear Allison, Why do most women like to play games with men's minds? Do you? If not, I'm your devoted servant.
Signed, Irishman

Well, I certainly don't care. Do you?

Dearest Allison, exactly how does Clorets turn food breath into fresh breath? Signed Concerned.
Signed, berv

Whatever, dude.

Dear Allison, Do men give better head than women ??
Signed, A Confused Bisexual

I haven't answered this question, but you can.

Alison, bo-balison, banana-fanna, fo-falison, me mymo-malison, Alison. You put the ing in entertaining,sweetie. Sometimes as I walk through the internetgarden I feel as though I may be missing some of themost beutiful roses, especially the red ones. I don't know, maybe I just need to go get my contactsprescription refilled. Can you help me out untilthen, though? Thank you.
Signed, NickSilly

BFD, pal, maybe somebody else cares.

Dear Alison,I work in a very quiet and conservative company and occasionally my mouth gets the better of me. While mypersonal version of sass is usually appreciated by myfriends and family...at work it does not seem to be going over well. Do I conform and control the sassthat my person so naturally exudes? Do I let the sassget the better of me and tell my co-workers how trulypathetic they are? Any advice?
Signed, My Middle Name Is Oh...So...Sassy

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Recently, we were delighted to learn that the 1000th person had successfully used the GoldenGate Bridge as a means for auto-termination.

From what I understand, bridge jumpers regularly encounter the experience of having their legs driven upwards into their torsos upon impact.

The question is: could a trained diver complete this jump and survive with proper technique? Or would they just have their arms crammed deep into their chest?

Either way it would be cool, but details are important - and quickly!

Signed, Duke of URL

Whatever, dude.

Dear Allison,What does "keep on truckin'" REALLY mean? And did you know that tony danza has it tattooed on his bicep? What doesThat mean?
Signed, Liz Dunn,

I haven't answered this question, but you can.

I am madly in love with another man's wife. We have been intimate, he doesn't know. She is a very close friend with my wife and now finds it very difficult to commicate with me. Niether of us want to break up our own relationship but we'd love to continue the affair. What should we do?
Signed, Lovesick

Well, I certainly don't care. Do you?

Dear Alison,Do you know anything whatsoever about the US VirginIslands? I am planing to have a vacation over there soon and I could use some good tips!!
Signed, Virgo

BFD, pal, maybe somebody else cares.

Dear Allison,My first girlfriend is getting married next month(but not to me). Can you think of a better, or a more appropriate, wedding present than a gift certificate from Good Vibrations?
Signed, Giving a gift that keeps on giving?

Whatever, dude.

Dear Allison,My boss likes me but I don't like him. He is so superficialand self absorbed. How does one survive with a bosslike this? Do I confront him about it or just Duck-Out?
Signed, evansa@communique.net

Well, I certainly don't care. Do you?

Allison, Dear, I ask because perhaps you know...Lately I have lost (misplaced?) two acquaintencesto a horrid disease: New Relationships. Symptoms are the same: prolonged legnths of absence, an all-encompassing need to tell me things I don't WANT to know, (his tounge is HOW long?? Eeeeugh!) and a tendency to start every sentence with something like"XXX says..." or "XXX did the CUTEST thing yesterday..."So, tell me. Am I a terrible friend? Are they?Will they ever recover? Will I have to spend therest of my life having only friends who are married?I ask now because my best friend is beginning to show early symptoms... :^( What do I do to notlose him too? Or should I just give up now?
Signed, Depressed, Lonely, and Abandoned (but at least I'm married)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I fell in love and slept with my best friend's fiancee. Does this make me an evil person?
Signed, F.A. Hayek

I haven't answered this question, but you can.

Dear Allison,A classic one for you :How do I get back my cyber baby, we had some goodtimes on chat-servers and via E-mail, but I lost her !I'm hot&wired, please help me out....
Signed, Rob aka Slowhand

Whatever, dude.