Hey, it's the holiday season!

Good will to men! Brotherly love! Turkey dinners! Boxesof gifts! (Gift tips: For women, how aboutsome sexy red and green lingerie? And for men,super-snazzy underwear that makes your penis look like a reindeer?)

Not to mention good will to women, and sisterly love. (I always wondered whywe got left out of the old songs ... I guess old Burl Ives and Perry Como hadother things on their minds, eh?)

But as you sit comfortably at home during the holidays (whichever holiday youmight be celebrating), with your family around you,opening gifts, sipping that oh-so-delicious eggnog, and eating that fattysmoked ham, take some time to thinkabout the world outside your door.

And when you run out to the drugstore to get thoselast-minute batteries, why not also pickup a can of food and an article of clothing (or something), and donate them to someone who really needsto feel what the spirit ofChristmas is supposed to be all about?

Don't be a Grinch!

Dear Allison,
It's refreshingto see a woman so comfortable with her sexuality. You seem to have no inhibitionswhatsoever on the subject. Any advice for more conservative girls, like myself?
- Anonymous

For starters, kid, you can try being alittle more open and stop signing your name Anonymous. I mean, think about it:what have you really got to hide? Chances are you haven't done anything the rest of us haven't. And if you're embarrassed because youhaven't done the things we have done, forget it. Who you are is who you are. Ifanyone else isn't comfortable with it - fuck 'em. If you aren't comfortablewith it, then maybe you aren't doing what you want to be doing.

Dear Allison,
Some of your adviceis right on; some of it is perhaps a little too much for my 12- and 9-year-olds,who are here with me. I don't mind them seeing most of your correspondence andresponses, but do you think there is an age minimum for your page?
- Interested father

Well jeepers, Dad,
I know some folks who started in on the hardstuff at the tender age of 12, but I'm guessing you want your own kids tostay children as long as they can. Idon't know too many young 'uns who understand that a link to a crotch shot isjust a joke. And I wouldn't want your two growing up with my column as a guide.Believe it or not, I spent quite a few years as a clean-mouthed nanny at a localchurch, and I think it's safe to say this here column's a place for consentingadults.

Dear Allison,
I agree with theperson that called you a snob. Anyone who won't let me use HTML in a question isobviously stuck on themselves. Or maybe it's your editor???? I'd put a hyperlinkon her like you did, but I know what'd happen with my question. So listen, jerk,here's my question: Why are we here?
- Seriously feelin' dissed

Maybe you shoulda signed, "Seriouslyfeelin' stupid." Cause you know,you can put a link into a question. People do it all the time (they reallydo!), but you can blame my editor if you'd like. I'dprefer the blame to land on anyone other than me.
And in answer to yourquestion: we each serve a purpose, and yours, apparently, is to annoy me. Butas I've said before, if you don't like it here, you can just go away.

Dear Allison,
What is themeaning of life, at least to you? If you can't answer that, what is your maingoal in life?
- MMartinson

MMartinson,
Oh, that's an easyone! The meaning of life is comfort (emotional,mental, and physical). I, just like any other red-blooded American, like to get themost out of life while expending the least amount of effort.
And my goal? I'dlike to become Batgirl.

Dear Allison,
I am basically avirgin in the ways of the Net but, being the hyperkinetic control freak I am, Ifeel that I should build my own HTML Web page. Where do I start off? Do I have toactually buy something?? Can I download a freebie HTML editor? If so, which isthe best one? Don't pick on me for being a beginner; we were all beginners at onetime. Thanks for your time!
- Seemingly stuck in Oklahoma

If you've made it this far, you're ingood shape. You have a text editor (the thingyou use to write your papers and letters), right? OK, now find a Web page youlike, go up to the menu bar of your browser, and save the page as "Source." Youcan open the saved file in your text editor of choice, replace their words andpictures with yours, and voilà!
A Web page is born.

If you want to find out how to scan in your pictures and turn theminto gifs, you'll haveto find a friend with a scanner(which is really pretty easy these days).

And if you can't figure it out from there, well, then maybe you are kindalame.

Dear Allison,
I've given up on"nice" girls. Now I just hire an occasional prostitute and masturbate a lot. AmI sick?
- Call me Onan

Onan,
What the fuck do I care? Do what you want, you sick bastard.

Dear Allison,
Why do peopleconstantly give you flak for voicing your opinions? And whether they use certainFUCKING language or not??

PEOPLE --- _WHO CARES_ it's her GODDAMN PAGE, shecan do what She FUCKING WANTS TO, so shut the hell up, and get the hell out ofhere!!

Thank you!
- Joe Plano

Why, thank you, Joe.
Aren't you sweet?
And, hey: Merry Christmas!

Love always,

Allison

Signed:
Go answer the questions Allison didn't.