Lately, many of you lovely people have been writing to me saying thingslike, Hey, Allison, we don't like what youdo. We don't like whatyou say. Why don't you shutup? When will your boss go ahead and fire you? Nyaah. I'm going to addressall of you whiningjerks collectively:

Quit wasting my time!

So, what's your New Year's resolution this year, huh? Are you gonnakeep it? Is it respectableor twisted?

Do you need help with it? Perhaps some advice on how to go about beingfaithful to your promises and to yourself? How are you going to change yourself in thecoming year?

Whatever you do, don't even think you can do it without me!

Dear Allison,
Do you ever worrythat you will isolate and/or insult all of your audience, one by one, with yourreplies? I mean, until they all go away mad, and no one is left to ask you dumbquestions?
- Blue Boar

Incredibly,there seems to be an overly largesupply of "dumb"questions. And somehow an even larger demand for my answers.

Dear Allison,
Color me dense,but what the hell does "indie" mean, and how do I join? Also, why is tinsel soindestructible? I have some that's been around since 1983.
- The People Who Care

It depends on what sort of "indie" item you mean. As forhow to join ... um ... here, try this form.
Tinsel. It'sfrightening, isn't it? My cousin had a cat who usedto play with the tinsel hanging from the tree. Occasionally this kittywould eat a piece of it, and shortly thereafter (perhaps the next day), there thevery same piece of tinsel would be - dangling not from the tree, but from thecat's other end. A wonderof modern technology, I tell you.

Dear Allison,
What is themasculine form of "diva"? Please avoid the obvious sassy remark of there beingnone.
- Just a Thought

The masculine form of diva? Why, it'sdiva, of course. Male or female, a diva's a divA andthat's all there is to it.

Dear Allison,
Have you everwondered about navel lint? I mean, surely this stuff can be recycled orsomething? This is really troubling me, y'know?
- Irma Lintflicker

I once saw a documetary about a womanwho made art from nothing but lint (hers was mostly gathered from her dryer'slint trap) and the art she made was amazing: sofa pillows, a bedspread, asweater - all made from lint. I suggest you save your navel lint in a small bag(or large bag, if need be) and, when you have enough, you can stuff a pillow ofyour own!

Dearest Allison,
Where might weget a list of the legislators who want to take away our freedom of speech becausesome irresponsible parents can't control their children's viewing habits? Perhapsthe Internet is still free enough to keep these Anti-American traitors fromruining our country. If it cannot stop them now, we can be sure it will not whenthey control it. And what kind of parent would withhold truth and freedom fromtheir children because they didn't agree with how it was worded? These people aretrying to kill the very essence of American greatness, freedom of expression,because of their inability to cope with reality. I want a list of the legislatorswho would sell America for a vote. And, while it is still permissible to voice myopinion, let me say this: Kiss my FREE American ASS! Bastards! Try to controlyour kids if you're that worried. My kids are still free to read what any assholewrites and judge it good or bad, right or wrong, valuable or worthless. Yougutless wonders WILL NOT take that right from them. While we are still free tosend the truth (and your names) down wires, freedom-loving America will vote yourASSES right out of office. A legislator foolish enough to tread on America'sright to speak will soon find the treacherous deed one of diminishing return.
- No Sense of Humor on the Subject.

There are many resources on the Web whereyou can find this sort of information. Check out this page for the full scoop.

Dear Allison,
Which do you thinkis more important to a girl: a friendship or a relationship? If I already have afriendship with someone of the opposite sex, would the best thing be to make amove, or keep the friendship?
- very horny

It depends on the friend. Personally, Ican't imagine wanting to have a relationship with someone who wasn't also a friend. But I have a lot offriends I wouldn't want to kiss, letalone be beholden to, in that girlfriend type of way. Why don't you talk toyour friend and tell her you're curious about where you two might be headed.(But don't put any pressure on herto change the current status of your relationship.) Once you get herthinking, you never know what might happen.

Dear Allison,
Allison, as anaging and decrepit male, I have a question concerning the modern usage of theverb "to suck." As in "it sucks," meaning something is bad. I believe that itstarted with a sexual term, and that people today don't recognize its origins.Now, I am a very straight heterosexual, but with the proper partner find suckingor being sucked quite pleasurable. Do you see my dilemma? Do young folksrecognize the sexual connotations in this present usage?
- Old Sucker

Sucker, you gotta give us young 'uns alittle more credit. Sure, we may use the term suck to refer to something that is a pain in ourasses ... but, like you, we also appreciate the art of effective sucking!

Dear Allison,
Are you into threeways? Cuz your sass could really do something for my wife....

Sorry, honey. Yer on yer own. Your wife is your problem,babe. Maybe you're just not that exciting: did you ever think of that?

Signed:
Go answer the questions Allison didn't.