Notice lately how the '80s are coming backinto vogue? My friend Michele tipped me off to this phenomenon, and wecommiserated over the ugly resurgence of the look and feel of thistwisted decade. I, for one, am frightened!

You see, the '80s were a time when we all wore unsightly clothing tohide ourbodies in a conservative reaction to the crazy liberation and sexual revolution of the '70s.

Now, thanks to current political trends, we're once again afraid tobreak the status quo. Afraid to speakour minds,afraid to protect our own rights - andall because of the fear that some 13-year-old kid out there inButtfuck, Idaho might find a picture of some woman doing it with a horse (not that hecouldn't find it out there on Main Street at the friendly neighborhoodconveniencestore, or at his pal's house, where the older brother Bob has a heftycollection of dirtypix, or in Dad's closet, stashedin a shoe box).

So do me a favor,friends. Before we start pegging our pants and wearing leg warmers tothe office, write to your senator, writeto the president, andtell them to keep their noses out of our business. Tell them exactlywhere they can stick their Flashdance nation!

Dear Allison,
I enjoyyour column, but I've noticed that at least one question a week isusually used on a "Gee, you swear too much, and you're not half ascool as you think you are." Your response is usually, "Yeah, I don'tgive a shit; if you don't like it, don't read it." I agree. So whyprint their letters?
- Snoozin' in Salt Lake

Good point, Snoozy!
Ithink I may follow your advice on this one. Though sometimes it feelsgood to tell the people who are telling you to fuck off, to fuck offthemselves.

Dear Allison,
My ladyboss came on to me, and when I wouldn't bang her, she filed a sexualharassment complaint (I filed one too, but no one believes a guy aboutthis). Now she's jerking my chain and making my life miserable. When Ido my work and then ask her if there's anything else she *needs,* shegets all perky and then slams me with something new. We have greatchemistry, but I'm married and so is she, and I don't want to screw upmy marriage. What should I do, oh wise one?
- Miffed in Minneapolis

Great chemistry?Do you mean this in the co-worker sense, or the "ooh, baby" sense?This woman sounds as if she may be even more of a bitch than I am, andyou don't sound so smartyourself. Do you act appropriately at work or do you lead her on?You've filed your complaint, and if that's not enough, perhaps youshould get ready to give the old two weeks' notice. Talk to yourwife. Think about finding a new job. Chemistrycan be great, but I remember a few times in my own classes, things blew up.

Dear Allison,
What'syour opinion on being Gay ?
- Homosexual

Onbeing gay? Well, my opinion on that issimilar to my opinions of other lifestyle specifics. If you're happy, go for it. Ifyou're not, well, then you've got some thinking to do. As long as you'recomfortable with who you are and what you're doing, chances are I will be too.

Dear Allison,
I'm arecently devirginized twenty-something guy. However, with the twowomen I've slept with, the love just wasn't/isn't there, and I feelbad about this. On one hand, because I would rather be in love; and onthe other, because I feel guilty (although not guilty enough to stopdoing it).

I guess what I want to know is this: is this how it is in the adultworld of sex/romance? Do people just settle for what they can get? AmI attaching too much significance to an essentially animal act? ShouldI stop obsessing and just enjoy a good time while it lasts?
- Stranger in a strange bed

Perhaps, dear Stranger,the problem is that you are sleeping in a strange bed. Yes, somepeople do settle for what they can get, but not everyone. To feel love during sex,you have to feel lovefor your partner the rest of the time as well. I think you may beattaching too little significance to this "animal act." Why don't youtry falling for someone before you hop between the sheets, hmmm?

Dear Allison,
I boughta Porche because I liked the look of it, and it's fun to drive. Myfriends all said it would help me get laid, but I haven't noticed anydifference. Do you think there is something wrong with my Prosche ?
- Driving in my car

You should definitely check the warranty (not tomention your spelling). But as everyone knows, a Porsche may turn chickson, but if you want guaranteed sex, you need a Ferrari.

Signed:
Go answer the questions Allison didn't.