So last week, you all perused the page known as AskAllison. You saw the question form, and you asked yourquestions. Or you saw the question form, and didn't askanything, afraid of revealing your inner turmoil tothe HotWired massesat large.

But here and now, I must address that very same fearstricken group of you who did not enter a question. Thosewho thought, "No, alas, I am just a lowly computer geek.There is no salvation here for me." How wrong, howvery wrong, you are!

You are the very people, the lonely, the sociallydisfunctional, the romantically retarded, the freaks with nolife outside the cold distant world of cyberspace who needadvice and council more than anyone who has come before you!

Don't be afraid.... Ask.

Question Dear Allison,
Can I call you Alli? Thanks. I'm 30years old and don't have a pot too piss in. What on Earthshould I do?
 Signed, Desperate, In Texas
Answer Dear Desperate,
 No, you may not call me Alli.  Do you see,"Ask Alli" anywhere? I didn't think so. 
As for your question, I'd say you don't need a pot to pissin ... go find a tree.
Question Dear Allison,
I have three questions for you: How does one create an interlaced gifor jpeg for display through Netscape?  How does one createan image map that makes different parts of one picture hrefto different pages (or sites)?
And are you a collection of individuals and a program thattakes the "meat" of a reply and adds snotty verbs andadjectives? 
Signed, Colin
Answer Dear Colin,
 Only gifs can be interlaced (jpegs will onlywork on some browsers).  Any well-designed browser can dealwith this; it isn't particular to Netscape.
 The best sourceof information is at Yahoo.There you will find information about interlacing,image maps, andeverything else you would have had no trouble finding foryourself if you'd only taken five minutes to do so.
As for the third question, I'll have you know I answer thequestions I choose, on my own. One woman alone in thismale-dominated technological environment. Perhaps that's whyyou find it so hard to believe?  You aren't used to thesuperlative quality of a woman's point of view incyberspace.  No, my words are not hepped up by any filter.Yes,  there are things I can do with "meat." Though usuallyit has nothing to do with snotty verbs.Adjectives, well now, that's another story.
Question Dear Allison,
 Do you think we will ever be able toenter another person's mind using only a computer and a VRhelmet? 
Signed, Mind Reader
Answer Dear Mind Reader,
I think it's much easier to get intosomeone's head with an axe, but perhaps that's answering adifferent question.
Question Dear Allison,
 I am 60 and have been dating this ladywho is 40. We get along fine. However she has a 20-year-olddaughter who has been "coming on" to me. She has even madeplans for us to spend a weekend together at a nearby resort.What should I do?
 Signed, Torn in Santa Fe
Answer Dear Torn in Santa Fe,
Excuse me ... I think there is aslight difference between coming on to someoneand making plans to spend the weekend with that person.  In orderto make plans for a weekend, you tend to have to agree to gosomewhere.... You say you "get along fine" with the mother.Maybe for you, that's not enough - maybe you want more? But what aboutthe daughter?  She's 20; she will be chased by virileboys for years to come.  Can you keep up?  I'd sayyou're doing pretty damn well with a 40-year-old.  Becareful, you could end up eating your bed, and lying in yourcake.
Question Dear Allison,
 If candy is dandy and liquor isquicker, which is better, candy or liquor?
 And no fairsaying candy liquors such as B-52s or liquor candys.
Cheers, Jim
Answer Jim, Jim, Jim,
Don't you know that both liquorand candy have theirplace at the top?
 
Though liquor may be quicker, 
 itsure can make you sicker, 
 than that dandy candy. 
While it can make you ill, 
 it can't make you asill 
 as cheap tequila will.

Signed: 
  Go answer the questions Allisondidn't.