You know, there are some people out there who just don't get sass. They'renot sassy, they don't get it when they're sassed, and they can't sass back tosave their lives. Worst of all, most of them don't even knowit.

Some do. There are folks who are offended by sass, folks who liken myimage to that of an obscene horror-filmcharacter. They ask questions they know will never be seen by a member of thepublic. These people have no humor in them. They are the living dead.

On the other hand, there are those who don't understand sass, butthink they have the knack. They bother me with asinine questions,full of arrogance and belittling commentary. The few, the proud, theidiots who think they're funny.

They aren't.

But every once in a great while a genuine master of sass comes along. (I feel a great kinship with these people.) They share theirsass, not asking for anything in return, but the chance to providemore joy, more love, and more sassy commentary to the world. Therebymaking the world a better place to live. Improving the community,that's what it's all about.

Dear Allison,
OK, here is a short question: Are all males "dogs"?Right now I'm in the 12th grade, and I have met some real dogs in myfew years. They always think that they can play with someone's mind.You might say keep your head in the books, so you can graduate (and Ido) or don't worry about it. But I want to know that if I don't end upstaying with the really great person I'm with now, will all the futuremales that I may intend on getting close to all be dogs. Please don'tsay don't worry about it because everyone needs companionship, eventeenagers.
The curly one

Dear Curly,
Men are not dogs. Men are pigs. In any case, you're in 12th grade; you probably don't know any men.Hell, I've gone through college andseveral jobs in the "real world," and I'm not even sure I've met anyreal men. If you need companionship and you don't like dogs, get a cat.

Dear Allison,
I recently readsome graffiti stating, "Eat more carrots." What do you think thatmeans?
B Carotene

Dear B,
Haven't you heard? Broccoli is out. This year, it's carrots andnothing but. Simply everyone in Parisis eating them.

Dear Allison,
I'm unemployed, disabled, and geeky. I have only had one girlfriend(she tried to kill me and succeeded in permanently disabling me). Formore than two years, I have sat all alone in the basement of myparents' home and my only companions have been my trusty PC and mycat. My life consists of driving to college (where I would have a 4.0GPA and already be a junior if it weren't for failing Humanities threetimes), eating six times a day, watching Star Trek in theafternoon, Net surfing until the wee hours of the morning, andsleeping until noon or 1 p.m. My question is: When will I have anothergirlfriend, so I can escape my extremely boring life and have someoneto love?
Ron in Florida

Dear Ron in Florida,
I can only hope your query is a joke and not a real (and trulydesperate) plea for help. However, if this is your reality, this ismy answer: Take leave of the basement, get out of your parents house,get away from your PC, turn off Star Trek,pat your kitty on the head, and go out and get a life. What?You think someone's going to randomly walk into your basement and loveyou? (And into the life you outlined above?) A date is not what itwill get you.

Dear Allison,
So really, whatdid come first, the chicken or the egg?
Confused

Dear Confused,
Look. I havesaid this before, and I will say it again. Dinosaurslaid eggs. The egg came first.

Hey, Allison, what do you thinkabout same-sex intimacy?
tam

Dear Tam,
The question is, Whatdo you think of same-sex intimacy? The opinions of a strangershould have little bearing on preferences that compose your personallife. All I can say is, if it feels right and it ain't hurtinganyone, I don't give a rat's ass who you're intimate with.

Hi Allison!
I'm sure you canhelp me. The one and only thing I want to know is: Where on the Netcan I find a gif - viewer to download? Waiting for an answer.
JOSEPH

Dear Joseph,
Have you tried the HotWired all-in-oneWebomatic Toolkit? Duh.

Signed:
Go answer the questions Allison didn't.