I hope you're all working diligently on your "Swank" pages forme. In case you missed out last week, here are the official rules for thecontest. Remember, if you don't play, you can't possibly win thefabulous prize.

Lately, I've been noticing that not so many of you are takingadvantage of the fine material on my leftovers page. You know, the one filled withall those inane and/or unappealing questions that are just utterlyunworthy of my attention (but worth yours, of course).

You get to say whatever you want. (And I have noticed people dosay some pretty interesting things.)

Where else on the Net can you lord over your peers in such an openlyhostile forum? Where else do you find so many people practically begging to betold they're idiots, losers, and assholes?

So what are you waiting for?

Speak yourmind today!

Dear Allison,
Why Information Superhighway? Why notFred?
kweiss@bway.net

Well, according to Rob and Joey, who recentlyattended the National Infomercial Marketing Association Awards, theInformation Superhighway is not the InformationSuperhighway at all. It is the Infomercial Superhighway.(Besides, I already know some guys named Fred- it could get confusing.)

Dear Allison,
Help! I'm head over heels in love with my roommate. But he's straight! He knowsthat I'm in love with him, but pretty much ignores me. ;( Whatever should Ido?
Hopeless

First, and foremost: move, now. Then,oh, I don't know ... Get over it?

Dear Allison,
What is my test on Biology going to look like. I am one of those people whodoesn't like to study much and I want to be sure to get an A+.
Bio Hater

Dear Bio Hater,
So how do you get an A+ if you don't like to study? This is easy, and it's alittle trick I learned in school. Either a) During the exam, you sit next to theguy with the thick glasses and thepocket protector in his lab coat, or b) Shut the fuck up and study anyway, just likeeverybody else.

I have said before (and will no doubt say again), I am not,haven't been, and will never profess to be psychic. Therefore, I have noidea what your Bio test mightlook like. I can, however, make an educated guess that it'll look likemost other Bio tests ...Multiple choice here, short answer there, little problem here, essay at the end. (And a space at the top just big enough for the teacher to put a big fatF.)

Dear Allison,
I have an older sister and she seems to have fallen prey to the Internet. Shestarted working for this "HotWired" place a while back and now she's got thisadvicey-ricey-type column. She seems to have all the answers to the questions,but she still asks me for advice about men. Should I talk with her? Also, she keepsgiving me random HotWired and Wired parafinelia. It's good stuff, but it's all pinkand orange. It doesn't go with my green shorts so well. Any help would be ...relative.
Dum Brudder

Dude, I told you not to bother me at work. What are you thinkin'? And I thoughtyou liked the random parafinelia [sic]? But if you don't, fine. No Wiredsubscription for you this Christmas. And by the way, when have Iever asked you for advice on men? Please.

Dear Allison,
How long have you been a "girl"??
Dr. Strangemitten

Dear Dr. Strangemitten,
I have been a "girl" for approximately 24 years, 2 months, and 29 days. Give ortake a few days, depending upon when you read the column. (Click here for an important note.) Yes, it is true. Iam a woman trapped in a woman's body, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dear Allison,
What's up with having to enter a password every time I want to visit HotWired?Why do people keep asking dumb questions like this one? Why don't we all stopWeb-surfing and go outside and play?
Marla

Marla,
If you don't want to enter a password, then just make sure the HotWired URL youuse starts with www, and not vip. Of course you won't get to post to Threads or visit Club Wired, or askme a question, but then some people don't like to have fun....

And Marla, the first step to getting people outside and away fromthe computer is to go outside yourself. In fact, if I remembercorrectly, I don't think I've ever had to enter a password to get outof my house, or to go to the park, or to smell the flowers.

Signed:
Go answer the questions Allison didn't.