Have you entered the contest yet? No?! Well, OK, I'll show you the "official rules" again. You have about a month ... so getgoin'! (And no, I won't tell you what the prize is.)

By the way, did I say this was a "sex site" contest? No! So cut it out with allthe sex stuff, unless it's also ultra swanklike. (And keep in mind that if yourpage takes more than two minutes to load, you ain't gonna win.)

I might also mention that the form on this page is not for plugging your wimpy,corporate, commercial, "we-want-to-sell-you-some-lame-crap" websites. I will nothelp you advertise deodorants, medical services, or your brilliant financialplanning skills, unless you can: 1) at least attempt to disguise it with a realquestion and, 2)learn enough HTMLto make your URL an actual link.

I mean come on, people! How much easier can this whole Web thing be?(Not much.) I mean, it's already easier than applying fake fingernails. It's even easier thanputtin' on a toupée. And what'swith all that crapanyhow? What's wrong with just - ahem - being yourself?

Dear Allison,
I'm sure that if you could see what men are thinking, you would only see sex.What about women? How much do women think on sex?
H. Nicacio (Brazil)

Well, I hang out with programminggeeks here on the Internet, and I have afeeling if I could see what they were thinking, I'd see these long strings of meaningless code(with sexmixed in for good measure, of course). But women, being the more practical-minded ofthe sexes, are ever-so-much better at multitasking. Not only can we think of allour daily duties, what'sfor dinner, our correctly balancedcheckbooks, and whether it's OK to wear white socks with a blue shirt, we can also thinkabout sex. We can thinkabout it all day while the leftover parts of our brainsdeal with the mundane trivialities of existence. Aren't we lucky?

Dear Allison,
Is your name really Allison, or is that a pen name? Do you have a last name? Whatis it? Is that your real hair, or a wig? Is it naturally that color? Do you havea real job? Do you work at home or in an office? What do you like to wear? Atparties? At funerals? What kind of a car do you drive? What's your opinion onspeed bumps? How about cops? Have you ever bought fur? Have you ever killed aman? What numbers should I play in the lottery? Why, did you pick them too? Haveyou ever seen a UFO? Is there a God? Have you ever seen Gone With the Wind? Hasanybody? Where should I go for lunch? Could you tell me how to get there? When isthe world going to end? Do you think it could pick up the pace? What's five timesseven? What's that floral-print background on your page all about anyways? DoesBob Dole ever have sex, and if so, with what? Do you want to go skydiving? Will Iever find true love? What's the best brand of toothpaste? Have you ever met amember of the Spanish royalty? Where can I find a complete list of Netscapetags? Do you chew your fingernails? Not ever? When will Bill Gates declarebankruptcy? When will humans colonize Mars? Why is the sky blue? Have you evertaken a ride on Amtrack? Why do floppy disks have those little semicircularnotches on either side? Why are we here? What are you doing next Sunday? If youever had children, would you name one of them Bob? Would anybody? Why?
Apocalypse Now

Yes. Yes. I won't tell you, it's easy enough to find out if youlook hard enough. What do you think, and no. Yes. In an office. Casual and comfy, short and red, longand black. Silver, four-door. Inever slow down for speed bumps.I've never had to deal with a cop on apersonal level. I think so. No, but I've thought about it. 7, 56, 8, 3, and 9,but I don't play the lottery.No. Quite possibly.No. Yes. Home. You knowthe way. According to my aunt, 7 years after a world leader signs a peace treatywith Israel. No. 35. Ask the designer about that. Yes, with pineapples. No. Yes. Crest. No, but I played one on T.V.I hate Netscape only tags, so I won't tell you. Yes, sometimes. He won't. Not in our lifetimes. Dust inthe atmosphere, reflection of the ocean waters. No. Manufacturing specs.To perpetuate the species. Going to Ecuador. No. Yes. People, on thewhole, have little imagination.

Dear Allison,
What does one do when the darkness closes in?
Rodents on the net

Rodent,
I turn on the light.

Dear Allison,
You bug the piss outta me. Oops, no question after all.
No Patience for Snide Hipness

Isn't it great that I get paid to "bug the piss outta"you? Isn't it funny that people who claim to hate me just keep comin' back formore?

Dear Allison,
Why is it that men (myself included) find it hard to disguise our desire forattractive women, when I know some women who hunger after attractive men, but youwouldn't know it till they told you? Personally, I find it unbalancing - thecovert watching of attractive scenery! Now I'm not talking about pervertedpeeking or anything like that. I just believe that if a woman wears somethingrevealing, tempting, or attractive, she should be prepared to have her curvesappreciated.
Public Viewer

Believe me you little voyeur you, when a woman wears something provocative and revealing, she wants you to salivate. She wantsyou to imagine more than the obvious curves ... of course that doesn'tmean she wants you to touch her or make crude comments, but shedoes want you to look. Now, for some reason, over the course of human evolution,women have learned to look at lusciously bodied men without letting theirtongues fall out of their mouths. It just takes practice, boys.

Dear Allison,
Are you married? If not, are you looking for a boyfriend? Girl you have got itgoin' on!
Un hombre desperado

Gracias, hombre,
But you see, the inclusion of the word desperate in any language is a warning sign. No matterwhat the degree of your desperation, you never let it show! What they don't knowcan't be a turn off, you know?

Signed:

Go answer the questions Allison didn't.