Last weekend, I went to see the Burning Man in the BlackRock Desert in Nevada.Imagine, if you will, 5,000 people camping out in the middleof the playa.

There is no water, there is no natural shelter, andno vegetation.There is just dirt and sun.

And naked wacked-out kooks banging on drums, caked inmud, breathing fire, and just generally contributing to theanarchy.

Man, I tell ya. I think I've seen enough flaccid penisesto last me years, if not the rest of my life.

But what a weekend!

Dear Allison,
Is there anywhere I can go to avoid the Windows 95 hype?
Xinu

Pardon? You want to avoid what?
Hmm. I'm afraid I don't understand. You see, I don't dowindows.

Dear Allison,
What's an algorithm?
Bobby (7 years old)

Dear Bobby,
There are tons of places on the Internet you cansearch for more information on algorithms (which, by theway, are named after an Arabic mathematician, al-Khowarizmi). According to Webster'sDictionary, an algorithmis a rule of procedure for solving a mathematical problem(as of finding the greatest common divisor) that frequentlyinvolves repetition of an operation. There is also a fine definitionavailable from TheFree Online Dictionary of Computing.

Dear Allison,
I think I'm in love with you. I'm kind of old and a littleugly but very rich - do I have a chance?
Mike Belcastro

Well, Mike, it depends on how old, how rich, and how ugly. I'm noAnna Nicole Smith, but if an aging, yet dashingbachelor wants to shower me with gifts, so be it. And ifyou need someone to be the beneficiary of your estate whenthe time comes,I'm certainly willing to attend to yourbelongings. Promise.

Dear Allison,
I need to know if you agree with this statement:"Infatuation is two people looking at each other. Love istwo people looking in the same direction."
Mr Jones

Mr Jones,
I would have to say that I agree. You can look at someoneand still be going in opposite directions. You can also look at someone in a mirror.But to look the same direction, you must have the sameviewpoint, the same point of reference, and the sameinclination. With infatuation, it is necessary to checkoften to make sure the person is still there. Love means you don't have to look; it's knowing they're there.

Allison, darling,
Wherever did you get that chic blouse you wear in thepicture above? I've been searching all over, but I can'tseem to find one that isn't a $90 designer original. ValueVillage just isn't cutting it.
Retro Queen

Retro Queen,
Oh so glad you like it. Not everyone has such an eyefor style. Andwhile I wish I could disclose the actual purchase point, alas I cannot; it was a gift. Yes, fashionis a gift that keeps on giving, spreading joythroughout the land. And how practical, too! Bringing smilesto your faces while protecting me from theelements.

Dear Allison,
You're kinda wacky, but in a good way. What's it like to be Allison?
Definitely not PoopiePants

Well, since you're not poopiepants,I'll answer your question. Being me is a little wacky, alittle madcap, and a whole lot sassy. Sometimes it's fun,and sometimes it ain't. Andsometimes it's slightly drunken, but always, always sassy.

Hi Allison!
Can you give some sassy advice on how to change my emailaddress so I can redirect my HotWired newsletter to my newmailbox? Thanx! David Piper, voyager@maple.net
Anonymous

Huh? You give your name and email address, but yousign your letter "Anonymous"? Man, that's so lame youalmost don't even deserve any sass. You spellthanks with an x, an act that is completely and totallyirritating. And all you have to do isread the end of the HotFlash message where it describes inintimate detail the "so simple my dog could do itblindfolded" instructions on how to unsubscribe from and/orsubscribe to the mailing list.

Signed:
Go answer the questions Allison didn't.