If you can read this, you should read this.

Think about it. Have you ever used any of the "7 dirty words"? Read The Catcherin the Rye, or any part of Ulysses? Looked at artwork containing images ofnudes, or listened to raplyrics? And if you haven't, don't you think you should? But if the fucking Senate has its way, that shit's out....
and	fuck.	This column is	fucked.

Fuck.

Dear Allison,
About three yearsago, I lost my fiancée to a car accident. Over these last three years I haveslowly put my life back together. Well, I recently got together with an old friendof my departed. This does not bother me, but it seems that the girl in questionhas had second thoughts, because she values the third party's opinion. PersonallyI think that if two people care about each other then F$#* the rest of the world.How would someone with your infinite wisdom handle this????????!
- confusedabout how to handle

Dear Confused,
First the rudeanswer: who cares what a dead person thinks? Dead people are dead.
Now themore polite answer: I think it would be safe to say that if the dearly departed iswatching now from above, shewould be more inclined to savor your joy than your guilt. You shouldn't tellthe rest of the world to fuck off just because you care about someone, but youcan't let memories of the dead keep you from living.

Dear Allison,
I don't have much time to surf HotWired but when I do I've noticed that Icheck out Muckraker and MarketForces a little, read a message or two in NetSoup, avoidany link to Scenarios, and if I really feel likewasting more bandwidth than I have already, I'll even check out Kino. But at the end the only section I read all the waythrough is yours. Before you were around, I would read other sections all the waythrough, but no more. Why do I do this and why has your section affected me thisway? Hope you answer my question.
- Me

(Gee ... and I thought I wasn'teasy....)
Why? Well, lemme tell ya. You got your wacky backgrounds. You gotyour sassy photo. You got your handy links to porn and frivolity (andoccasionally to something really informative). You got yoursmart-mouthed opinions. You got me, baby! Who could ask for anything more?

Dear Allison,
Should I go outwith the lieutenant or the corporal?
- Kill

Well, it depends. You should choosethe one you love. However, if you don't love either, choose the lieutenant. He makesmore money, and he wears a snappier uniform.

Dear Allison,
I don't think you exist.
Well, do you?
- Ponyglue of Canberra

I am so tired of proving myexistence to you people. What do I have to do? Write a new column every week?Hmmm ... no, I do that now. Appear live at Siggraph? Hmmm... no, I already did that. Come over to your house and kick your ass? Hmmm ...now, that might not be a bad idea!

Dear Allison,
Do you know? Ibelieve that you are wrapping your ignorance within the cloak of supposed style,to which I do not subscribe to your person from the answers you give and thequestions you answer. Rather I supposed that you are a participant in thebourgeoisie American dream that worships the culture of five minutes andsuperficial talent. Please inform all of us of your qualifications in swank, fortrue swank comes from wisdom and intelligence that you do not appear to have fromyour column.
- Richard

Richard,Darling, True swank comesfrom within. So does talent. So do style, wisdom, truth, andintelligence. The superficial "bourgeois American dream"does not. You can't judge a book by its cover, just as you can't see the true methrough a Web page. If I wanted you to see me as I really am, I would come toyour house and kick your ass (see above). But here I presentmyself to you for entertainment,and occasionally to make youthink. And, dude, if you think this column is so lame, why did youwaste your time and read the whole damn thing, and then actually post a question?! You people make me tired.

Dear Allison,
Why do most people on sex chat lines tell such incredible lies?
Schmuzr

Because, Schmuzr, if they didn't, I dobelieve there'd be a whole lotta nothin' to talk about.How many of the geeks who get onthe computer and go toa sex chat do you think have reallyexciting sex IRL?

Signed:

Go answer the questions Allison didn't.